3 magic words !

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely
sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could
not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heart-throb noticed her overly attentive
stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she
could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and
whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you
want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00.. on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just
three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly
removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's
hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into
his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and
slowly and meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."

Obituary! ( Must must read )

Obituary !
 
Obituary printed in the London Times - Interesting and sadly rather true.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended fr om school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

A Chinaman decides to retire and move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He bought a home on a small piece of land . A few days after moving in. The friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he
sees the Chinaman running around his frontyard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinaman urinate into a glass and then drink  it.Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinaman leading a bull down the drive-way,
...pause...., and then  put his  left ear next to the bull's butt.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinaman and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you.'

The Chinaman is very taken back and says, 'Sorry sir, you no understand, these no ...  Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.'

'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.'

Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinaman, 'He say to become true Australian, I must learn to 
..... chase chicks,
..... get piss drunk, and
.... listen to bull-shit.'
 

We are god's children

Read this story

As I was walking
Down life's highway
Many years ago

I came upon a
Sign that read

Heavens Grocery Store..

When I got a
Little closer

The doors swung
Open wide

And when I came
To myself

I was standing
Inside..

I saw a host of
Angels.

They were
Standing everywhere

One handed me a
Basket

And said 'My
Child shop with care..'

Everything a
Human needed
Was in that
Grocery store

And what you
Could not carry
You could come
Back for more

First I got some
Patience.

Love was in that
Same row.

Further down was
Understanding,
You need that
Everywhere you go..

I got a box or
Two of Wisdom
And Faith a bag
Or two.

And Charity of
Course
I would need some
Of that too..

I couldn't miss
The Holy Ghost
It was all over
The place.

And then some
Strength
And Courage to
Help me run this race.

My basket was
Getting full
But I remembered
I needed Grace,

And then I chose
Salvation for
Salvation was for
Free

I tried to get
Enough of that to do
For you and me..

Then I started to
The counter
To pay my grocery
Bill,

For I thought I
Had everything
To do the Masters
Will.

As I went up the
Aisle
I saw Prayer and
Put that in,

For I knew when I
Stepped outside
I would run into
Sin.

Peace and Joy
Were plentiful,
The last things
On the shelf.

Song and Praise
Were hanging near
So I just helped
Myself.

Then I said to
The angel

'Now how much do
I owe?'

He smiled and
Said

'Just take them
Everywhere you go.'

Again I asked
'Really now,

How much do I
Owe?'

'My child' he
Said, 'God paid your bill
A long long time
Ago.'