Your duck is dead!

~ Your Duck is Dead ~


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the
duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1000!" she cried, "$1000 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry.... If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1000."

Africa ( very funny cartoon!)

The Rambo Granny of Melbourne , Australia

Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down and shot off their testicles.

The old lady spent a week hunting those men down and, when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way,
said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp.

Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station,laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be: 'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.'

Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth , 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cell mate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said.
'The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, 'but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to,' Detective Delp told reporters. 'Both men are still in pretty bad shape, 'but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.'

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight
by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row.
'When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital,
'I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself
''cause I figured the Law would go easy on them,' recalled the retired library worker.
'And I wasn't scared of them, either because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life.
'And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one.'

So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos, tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place 'till she spotted the ill-fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.
'I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway 'and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them,' the oldster recalled.

'So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door,
'and the minute the big one opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs,
'right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know.

'Then I went in and shot the other one
'as he backed up pleading to me to spare him.
'Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.'

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny.
'What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison,'

Top 10 Cholesterol Lowering Foods

1. Apples: Apple pectin is a soluble fiber that helps draw
cholesterol out of the system. The flavonoids (Quercetin) in apples
act as a powerful anti-oxidant that seems to short-circuit the process
that leads “bad” LDL cholesterol to accumulate in the bloodstream.
2. Beans: Beans and vegetables are an excellent source of soluble
fiber and high in vegetable protein. By properly combing beans with
brown rice, seeds, corn, wheat you can create a complete protein.
Properly combined beans become an excellent substitute for red meat
protein that is high in saturated fat.
3. Brown Rice: The oil in whole brown rice, not its fiber, lowers
cholesterol. Brown rice can be combined with beans to form an
inexpensive complete protein low in saturated fat. In addition, this
whole grain also supplies good doses of heart-healthy fiber, magnesium
and B vitamins.
4. Cinnamon: A study published in the journal Diabetes Care found that
half a teaspoon of cinnamon a day significantly reduces blood sugar
levels in people with type 2 diabetes. It also reduces triglyceride,
LDL, the bad cholesterol and the total cholesterol level.
5. Garlic: Garlic contains the chemical allicin, which has been shown
to kill bacteria and fungi, and alleviate certain digestive disorders.
It also lowers the blood clotting properties of blood. But the most
notable attention garlic has received over recent years is its
possible usefulness in lowering cholesterol levels.
6. Grapes: Flavonoids in grapes protect LDL cholesterol from free
radical damage and reduce platelet clumping. The LDL lowering effect
of grapes comes from a compound that grapes produce normally to resist
mold. The darker the grape, the better.
7. Oats: Oatmeal contains soluble fiber, which reduces your
low-density lipoprotein (LDL), the “bad” cholesterol. Five to 10 grams
of soluble fiber a day decreases LDL cholesterol by about 5 percent.
Eating 1.5 cups of cooked oatmeal provides 4.5 grams of fiber — enough
to lower your cholesterol.
8. Salmon: The major health components in salmon include: Omega 3
fatty-acid and protein. These components have a favorable
cardiovascular effect. The American Heart Association recommends that
people include at least two servings of fish/week, particularly fatty
fish (salmon, tuna, mackerel, sardines, anchovies and herring), in
their diets.
9. Soy: The top health promoting components in soybeans are
isoflavones and soluble fiber. Isoflavones act like human hormone that
can lower LDL cholesterol and raise HDL cholesterol. All soy products
(soybeans, soy nuts, tofu, tempeh, soy milk, etc.) are complete
proteins.
10. Walnuts: Walnuts can significantly reduce blood cholesterol
because they are rich in polyunsaturated fatty acids. Walnuts also
help keep blood vessels healthy and elastic. Almonds appear to have a
similar effect, resulting in a marked improvement within just four
weeks. A cholesterol-lowering diet with a little less than 1/3 of a
cup of walnuts/day may reduce LDL cholesterol by 12 percent.

why the chicken crossed the road

Abraham Lincoln's speech