PERFORMANCE Vs POSITION

A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates. Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not ?

The guy replies: I am Paandi, Auto driver from Chennai!

God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Paandi: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven .

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so so, Head Priest of the so so Church for the last 40 years.

God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven .

'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?!'

'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.
'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his Auto, people really PRAYED'


It's PERFORMANCE & not POSITION that ultimately counts!!!!!

You got to love this one!!

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right." The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven." The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."

Male or Female!!( hilarious)

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are

designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two

groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer'

should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its

recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender

('la computadora'), because:

1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible

to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself

spending half your paycheck on accessories for

it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'),

because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could

have gotten a better model..

The women won.

Beware when out shopping!!

This incident happen in Malaysia but it can happen anywhere. Be careful when you are out shopping!!

                 NAME CARDS Please be careful. Yesterday, I was at the Carrefour carpark after shopping and about to start the car engine. Suddenly, one man appeared holding a name card and asking me to wind down the window to give me the name card. I refused using the sign language but he kept on pestering. I was terrified and quickly started the engine and sped off. Fortunately, I locked the car doors immediately I got in... Thank you for the warning email I received earlier. Rgds, May Subject: NAME CARDS Must Read and Please be careful out there !! A man came over and offered his service as a painter to a female putting gas in her car and left his card. She said no, but accepted his card out of kindness and got in the car. The man then got into a car driven by another gentleman. As the lady left the service station, she saw the men following her out of the station at the same time. Almost immediately, she started to feel dizzy and could not catch her breath. She tried to open the window and realized that the odor was on her hand; the same hand which accepted the card from the gentleman at the gas station. She then noticed the men were immediately behind her and she felt she needed to do something at that moment. She drove into the first driveway and began to honk her horn repeatedly to ask for help.The men drove away but the lady still felt pretty bad for several minutes after she could finally catch her breath. Apparently, there was a substance on the card that could have seriously injured her. This drug is called 'BURUNDANGA'and it is used by people who wish to incapacitate a victim in order to steal from or take advantage of them. This drug is four times more dangerous than the date rape drug and is transferable on simple cards. So take heed and make sure you don't accept cards at any given time alone or from someone on the streets. This applies to those making house calls and slipping you a card when they offer their services .

On the light side!!

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said: "Darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl. Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!

Be Careful of your CREDIT CARDS!!

These incidents can happen to anyone. I never realized this could happen till I read this. I will make sure I am more careful when I use it from now on. Hope you find this piece as informative as I did!!

SCENE 1.
This is a new one.
People sure stay busy trying to cheat us,don't they?
A friend went to the local gym and placed his belongings in the locker. After the workout and a shower, he came out, saw the locker open, and thought to himself, 'Funny, I thought I locked the locker.

Hmm, 'He dressed and just flipped the wallet to make sure all was in order. Everything looked okay - all cards were in place.

A few weeks later his credit card bill came - a whooping bill of $14. He called the credit card company and started yelling at them, saying that he did not make the transactions.

Customer care personnel verified that there was no Mistake in the system and asked if his card had been stolen. 'No,' he said, but then took out his wallet, pulled out the credit card, and yup - you guessed it - a switch had been made . An expired similar credit card from the same bank was in the wallet. The thief broke into his locker at the gym and switched cards.

Verdict: The credit card issuer said since he did not report the card missing earlier, he would have to pay the amount owed to them. How much did he have to pay for items he did not buy? $9,000! Why were there no calls made to verify the amount swiped?

Small amounts rarely trigger a 'warning bell' with some credit card companies. It just so happens that all the small amounts added up to big one!

SCENE 2.
A man at a local restaurant paid for his meal with his credit card .The bill for the meal came, he signed
it,and the waitress folded the receipt and passed the credit card along.

Usually, he would just take it and placeit in his wallet or pocket.. Funny enough, though, he actually took a look at the card and, lo and behold, it was the expired card of another person.

He called the waitress and she looked perplexed.. She took it back, apologized, and hurried
back to the counter under the watchful eye of the man.All the waitress did while walking to the
counter was wave the wrong expired card to the counter cashier, and the counter
cashier immediately looked down and took out the real card . No exchange of words --- nothing! She
took it and came back to the man with an apology

Verdict: Make sure the credit cards in your wallet are yours. Check the name on the card every time you sign for something and/or the card is taken away for even a short period of time.Many people just take back the credit card without even looking at it, 'assuming' that it has to be theirs.

FOR YOUR OWN SAKE, DEVELOP THE HABIT OF CHECKING YOUR CREDIT CARD EACH TIME IT IS RETURNED TO YOU AFTER A TRANSACTION!

DEMENTIA - HOW TO AVOID IT

Dementia- HOW TO AVOID IT( VERY IMPORTANT)

Start When You Are Still Young...

To help ward off dementia, train your brain:
Timing is everything, comedians say. It's also important when it comes to taking care of your brain. Yet most of us start worrying about dementia after retirement - and that may be too little, too late. Experts say that if you really want to ward off dementia, you need to start taking care of your brain in your 30s and or even earlier.

"More and more research is suggesting that lifestyle is very important to your brain's health," says Dr Paul Nussbaum, a neuropsychologist and an adjunct associate professor at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine "If you want to live a long, healthy life, then many of us need to start as early as we can.

"So what can you do to beef up your brain – and possibly ward off dementia?”

Dr Nussbaum, who recently gave a speech on the topic for the Winter Park ( Fla. ) Health Foundation, offers

20 tips that may help.

1.*Join clubs or organizations that need volunteers*.
If you start volunteering now, you won't feel lost and unneeded after you retire.

2.*Develop a hobby or two*.
Hobbies help you develop a robust brain because you're trying something new and complex.

3.*Practice writing with your non-dominant hand several minutes every day*.
This will exercise the opposite side of your brain and fire up those neurons.

4.*Take dance lessons*.
In a study of nearly 500 people, dancing was the only regular physical activity associated with a significant decrease in the incidence of dementia, including Alzheimer's disease. The people who danced three or four times a week showed 76% less incidence of dementia than those who danced only once a week or not at all.

5.Need a hobby? *Start gardening*.
Researchers in New Zealand found that, of 1,000 people, those who gardened regularly were less likely to suffer from dementia. Not only does gardening reduce stress, but gardeners use their brains to plan garden they use visual and spatial reasoning to lay out a garden.

6.*Buy a pedometer and walk 10,000 steps a day*.
Walking daily can reduce the risk of dementia because cardio vascular health is important to maintain blood flow to the brain.

7.*Read and write daily*.
Reading stimulates a wide variety of brain areas that process and store information. Likewise, writing (not copying) stimulates many areas of the brain as well.

8.*Start knitting*.
Using both hands works both sides of your brain. And it's a stress reducer...

9.*Learn a new language*.
Whether it's a foreign language or sign language, you are working your brain by making it go back and forth between one language and the other. A researcher in England found that being bilingual seemed to delay symptoms of Alzheimer's disease for four years. (And some research suggests that the earlier a child learns sign language, the higher his IQ - and people with high IQs are less likely to have dementia. So start them early.)

10.*Play board games such as Scrabble and Monopoly*.
Not only are you taxing your brain, you're socializing too. (Playing solo games, such as solitaire or online computer brain games can be helpful, but Dr Nussbaum prefers games that encourage you to socialize too.) *MAHJONG IS GOOD!* besides which there is the incentive of $$$.

11.*Take classes throughout your lifetime*.
Learning produces structural and chemical changes in the brain, and education appears to help people live longer. Brain researchers have found that people with advanced degrees live longer - and if they do have Alzheimer's, it often becomes apparent only in the very later stages of the disease.

12.*Listen to classical music*.
A growing volume of research suggests that music may hardwire the brain, building links between the two hemispheres. Any kind of music may work, but there's some research that shows positive effects for classical music, though researchers don't understand why.

13.*Learn a musical instrument*.
It may be harder than it was when you were a kid, but you'll be developing a dormant part of your brain.

14.*Travel.*
When you travel (whether it's to a distant vacation spot or on a different route across town), you're forcing your brain to navigate a new and complex environment. A study of London taxi drivers found experienced drivers had larger brains because they have to store lots of information about locations and how to navigate there.

15.*Pray*.
Daily prayer appears to help your immune system. And people who attend a formal worship service regularly live longer and report happier, healthier lives.

16. *Learn to meditate*.
It's important for your brain that you learn to shut out the stresses of everyday life.

17.*Get enough sleep*.
Studies have shown a link between interrupted sleep and dementia.

18.*Eat more foods containing omega-3 fatty acids*:
Salmon, sardines, tuna, ocean trout, mackerel or herring, plus walnuts (which are higher in omega 3s than salmon) and flaxseed. Flaxseed oil, cod liver oil and walnut oil are good sources too.

19.*Eat more fruits and vegetables*.
Antioxidants in fruits and vegetables mop up some of the damage caused by free radicals, one of the leading killers of brain cells.

20..*Eat at least one meal a day with family and friends*.
You'll slow down, socialize, and research shows you'll eat healthier food than if you ate alone or on the go.

21.*In addition, I think receiving and distributing e-mails every day helps the brain function and exercise !!*